introducing yvonna lovah

It's really kind of a miracle that I don't hate this holiday. Besides reminding me and my single friends that we are beyond single, I actually kind of dig Valentine's Day. Even so, being serially single is really starting to get old. Who am I kidding, it is old. I'm over it. So this year, I've decided to try something new. Most of us have read Betches Love This Site and Man Repeller (I'm guilty) and one of my best friends in the world just happens to be as witty, real and hilarious as the bloggers that contribute to these sites. Since she doesn't have her own blog (though I've begged and begged and begged), I've decided to showcase some of her real life stories about being a single lady of our time. 

If you're a hopeless romantic, don't get excited because it might will get ugly. And if you can't take a joke and are easily offended, you probably shouldn't read on. But if you're ready for a good laugh and some potential tears of hysteria, brace yourself because Yvonna Lovah*, the ultimate perpetually single girl, is taking over beauty and the feast for the next few days to make you feel better about your singledom this Valentine's Day (whoaaa run on sentence). So without further adieu...

Graphic courtesy of Courtney Graham

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my Blackberry and so I texted to his cell and then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."

-Mary; He’s Just Not That into You 

This topic has been covered by some of the most prestigious authors of our time, ranging from the editors at Cosmo, Glamour and of course, the literary geniuses behind He’s Just Not That Into You. The debate will surely go on for decades to come: how many different forms of communication can a guy use to mess with you. We’ll start with the lowest and work our way up, shall we?

1. Facebook messaging: Just why? Why would any guy do this? Does he really think you want to be sitting on Facebook all day pinging each other back and forth? The answer is no. If you are a normal person, you go on Facebook to check out what your friends are up to, what that annoying kid in high school is blabbering on about how “the McRib is back!” and who is engaged/pregnant. That takes all of 10 minutes. The only acceptable reason to be FB messaging is if you do not have access to your phone. Even then, I’d much prefer an email.

2. Instagram & Twitter: The dudes who constantly like your photos or tweet you back with some clever remark are dumb. Again – why are you liking every single photo I post including the humongous cheeseburger I had for dinner last night without taking me to get one?! Don’t get me wrong, please continue to like all of my photos (I’m so popular I got 24 likes!) but I am noticing. And I really really like cheeseburgers.

3. Gchat: Oh, gchat… you are a god send. As much as FB IM’ing is plain wrong, gchat is plain right. It’s the adult version of AIM minus those awesome profiles where you wrote ~*EvErYtHiNg LiKe ThIs :]~ But what about the dude who is constantly gchatting you but won’t ever seal the deal? You know… by texting you. That’s BS if you ask me. If you’re going to spend the entirety of the work day sending me funny gifs and Buzzfeed articles you better be planning how you’re going to ask me out, otherwise I g2g!

4. Texting: Dear God WHAT DO THEY MEAN? I don’t know how many times my friends and I have obsessed over exactly what each letter of each syllable of each emoticon that a guy has sent to one of us. For example, this is a text I received two weekends ago from a past fling after we had been texting for an hour or so, “Got caught up in a darts game what’s your plan looking like” First of all, NO ONE gets “caught up” in a darts game… like, seriously? Was there a large sum of money involved? Are you about to win a ticket to midget mud wrestling? NO, I DIDN’T THINK SO. Or what about the guy who literally does not text you back for three hours at a time… and gives no explanation. Love those. My time has little to no value – thanks for confirming that. The booty caller texter is a great one too. Oh sure! I’d love to jump in a cab at 4 a.m. My pleasure! Idiots, I say.

5. Calling: Now this ladies and ladies, is a lost art. The boy who actually takes the time to click your name out of his address book and hold the cell phone up to his ear to mutter a couple of sentences is, indeed, my hero. Do I particularly like talking on the phone? No. But do I appreciate the effort taken? Absolutely. I was seeing this one guy, Vince*, and he would always call. He wasn’t the most consistent texter (which some would find annoying, and at times, I did) but every time he wanted to see me, he would call. And I thought that was soooo dreamy. Although Vince ended up being the King of the Assholes, at least he called to tell me so.

Until tomorrow,

Yvonna

 *All names of past boyfriends/lovers/sexters have been changed to protect their guilty consciences.